By Now....

By now I should have a baby.  I should have a 10 day old baby by now.  I don't.

By now I should be pregnant.  I should be pretty far along.  I'm not.

It's really hard to think of what could or should have been.  My due date was last week.  I've tried to ignore that fact.  It hasn't been easy.  I went to the dentist on Tuesday and had a new hygenist.  She read my chart and I had told them two visits ago I was pregnant.  Two visits ago was August 17th.  Little did I know that morning that by the end of the day I wouldn't be any more. 

The new hygenist either didn't read the rest of my chart or they didn't write in there during my last visit that I wasn't pregnant any more.  She seemed confused on Tuesday.  She said she did the math, I didn't look big, maybe there was a mistake.

There was.  I should have a baby by now.  That is the mistake.

Everyone said "It will happen."  And people even told me it could happen again right away.  My body "wanted to be pregnant."  It's "very common to get pregnant again right away after a miscarriage."  I didn't.  I'm not.  And I'm beyond frustrated and depressed about this.  This is the source of many fights with my husband who is trying so hard.  It breaks my heart to see him blame himself.  It breaks my heart to not understand why my body does the the things it does.  It breaks my heart to have no control over the situation or the way my mind works.  By now my heart should be full of love.  Not broken.

By now....